Survey finds daters want a slow burn, and Gen Z men are the most frustrated

By Celeste Varga

WASHINGTON — In a city that runs on 30-minute meetings and same-day turnarounds, here is an unfashionable finding: most people say they would rather take their time.

That is the headline of Feeld’s latest State of Dating report, released Oct. 20 and titled “Holding Out for a Slow Burn.” The dating app produced it with Justin Lehmiller, a social psychologist and senior research fellow at Indiana University’s Kinsey Institute. It draws on a survey by the research agency Censuswide, along with responses from Feeld members.

Just 13% of the adults surveyed said attraction develops entirely in an instant. Eighty-six percent said it grows stronger when two people build a shared story together, and 80% called anticipation and buildup crucial to excitement. Swipe culture, in other words, may be selling speed to people who mostly want suspense.

Something missing

The appetite for slowness comes with plenty of frustration. Eighty percent of respondents said they struggle to meet their intimate needs in real life, and 58% pointed to a lack of authenticity and clear intentions in modern dating, according to Feeld.

The most frustrated group, by the report’s measure, was Gen Z men. Forty-nine percent strongly agreed that modern dating is missing something, the highest share of any demographic group surveyed. That made them 26% more likely than older men and 23% more likely than Gen Z women to say so. More than a third, 37%, said dating feels too transactional.

They are not giving up on romance, though. Ninety percent of Gen Z men said attraction strengthens when two people build a shared story, compared with 85% of Gen Z women. Nearly 60% said romance media has shaped their desires, which puts them roughly on par with older women, historically the genre’s core audience.

“Gen Z men are clearly frustrated with modern dating, but they’re not a monolith, and that frustration doesn’t mean they’ve given up on connection,” Sy Dusk, a senior product analyst at Feeld, said in the release.

Blame Bridgerton, maybe

The report credits part of the shift to slow-burn stories on screen and on the page. It cites “Bridgerton,” “Heated Rivalry,” “The Summer I Turned Pretty” and the romantasy series “A Court of Thorns and Roses.” Fifty-six percent of participants said romantic films, television, romance novels and fantasy fiction have shaped their ideas about relationships, rising to 64% among Gen Z respondents.

The data also cut against a popular worry. Nearly 60% of Gen Z men and more than 70% of Gen Z women said they do not turn to pornography when real-world intimacy feels difficult.

“These stories aren’t necessarily about finding the perfect partner,” Lehmiller said in the release. “They’re about being accepted for who we are, feeling deeply wanted, and imagining relationships outside the usual rules of dating.”

Read the fine print

The survey is not a random sample of the public. The analyzed sample was 3,310 adults, 60% in the United States and 40% in the United Kingdom, all of whom had sought new romantic or sexual connections in the past year, according to the methodology. Some responses came from Feeld’s own members. The company sells a dating app, and the report’s conclusion, that the slow burn “may be a blueprint for what comes next,” is a business pitch as much as a finding.

The release does not give a margin of error or break out results for Washington. Still, for readers keeping score at home, the takeaway may be to put down the stopwatch.

The Inquisitor is seeking comment from Feeld, Match Group, Hinge, Bumble and the Kinsey Institute.